"Andrey: People are wearing short skirts at work today. It's very distracting.... How am I supposed to work in such environment?
Me: You're right. They shouldn't do that.
Andrey: Thank you. As a man, I protest. (pause) The skirts should be shorter."
-- Andrey and Me

"I wanted to fry a live snapping turtle in the microwave but the teacher didn't let me."
-- Andrey

"The song is called Infatuation by Christina Aguilera. Fabulous song, makes your ass sweat so much you go to heaven."
-- Andrey

"I love Wal-mart, I wish there were more of them in Lancaster so they drive the annoying little Amish out of business. They must move back to Germany anyway. God I wish there weren't any Amish..."
-- Andrey

"Andrey: How do I create 3D rounded letters in Photoshop?
Aimie: Try using inner or outer bevel.
Andrey (5 minutes later): Aimie, I can't find this devil that you speak of!"
-- Andrey and Aimie

"Andrey: Ok, give me a call this weekend if you are going to screw.
Bill: If I'm going to be screwing, you're not the person I'm gonna call!"
-- Andrey and Bill

"Me: You remember everything I say!
Andrey: Cuz I am a monkey boy."
-- Andrey and Me

"I was wondering, is it unusual for a man to shave his whole self?"
-- Andrey

"When you go to strip club, do they let you wear shorts for lap dance?"
-- Andrey

"Carlos, if a girl is looking for a man who is shorter than her, does that mean she is desperate?"
-- Andrey

"Me: Mertz is a really hard professor.
Andrey: Yes, he really makes my ass sweat."
-- Andrey and Me

"Tonight is January 1st and we're going to wake up tomorrow and it will still be January 1st. This night is different from all the other ones."
-- Matt S.

"What is SQL2000? Is it a sandwich?"
-- Festus B.

"We, the smart ones, are like viruses. We adjust to tougher and stricter conditions and still spread."
-- Andrey

"It looks like someone killed a New York hooker for her pelt."
-- Krisi

"Compared to that, a rock is smart."
-- Erika

"Remember when we were drinking buddies? Well, I drank, and you were my buddy."
-- Kelly J.

"You're buying a car, not a cupcake."
-- Erika

"Pittbulls are little and vicious... much too much like me for my comfort."
-- Bree

"I'm a little angry monkey."
-- Joseph S.

"I think the pope is going to eat my pants."
-- Erika

"Dogs are dumb but cute."
-- Shawna C.

"My bellybutton is a bottomless pit too!"
-- Mike L.

"She's so big, she makes me look like a waif."
-- Bree

"Do you want a binky?"
-- Bryan

"I'm content to be fat and alone the rest of my life if it'll save me 40 bux a month."
-- Jeff, who is not fat

"(Alex holds up a onesie at her baby shower) It's a... it's a... it's a baby suit!"
-- Pregnant Alex

"I don't like laws that are there to enforce common sense. it prevents natural selection."
-- Jeff

"Girl: Why can't you have a conversation with me instead of my boobs.
Guy: I would if they didn't keep interrupting all the time."
-- Anonymous

"The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
-- unknown

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
-- unknown

"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think."
-- unknown

"My software never has bugs; it just develops random features."
-- unknown

"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."
-- Larry Lorenzoni

"What you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
-- Goethe

"The future is no place to place your better days."
-- Dave Matthews

"If you're not making mistakes, you're not living."
-- me

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."
-- Henry Ford

"Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise and balance."
-- fortune cookie

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."
-- Ivy Baker Priest

"If all you are to people is words on a screen, you better be well-written."
-- Bree

"You're like a millipede!"
-- Mike L.

"At least you have nice teeth."
-- James K.

"What's with the 80s punk rock hair?"
-- John B.

"Damn, girl, what kind of water you drinkin?"
-- Some guy, as I was walking downtown during lunch

"I could see you being a teacher at "Dogbert's School For The Socially Oblivious""
-- Jason

"You're going to get arrested in that."
-- Joel

"You're a silicon goddess."
-- Colby

"I can talk Nerd with you."
-- Jeff N.